That’s what I am. I am the guy that is blabbering and jabbering and drawing attention away from the screen. Not during the movie, though. Just during the commercials before the movie and between the previews. Never during the movie.

I really irritated a guy last time. I think he would have fought me. I’m pretty sure it took him a lot of effort to muster up the balls to yell at me, but he did it. After he did I could see on his face the flustered look of agitation, frustration, and anxiety that comes right before a fight.

It was at the beginning, during the commercials. I think I know the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I’m still bewildered at it. They were terrible. They were all Christmas themed two weeks before Thanksgiving. It was disgusting. There was one for Coca-Cola where some teenaged fucktard dumb-looking douchebag sang a Christmas Carol about how much he loved his fake suburban family all the while holding a Coca-Cola bottle (that you can’t even get unless you shop at the Mexican market) with the label facing the camera the whole while. It was asinine. Then there was one for Wal-Mart where all the smiling Wal-Mart checkers are flashing their checkout lights in sync with a stupid Christmas song. I mean seriously. If Wal-Mart employees really did that they’d all be fired.

That’s when he yelled at me. During the Wal-Mart Christmas commercial for God’s sake. I didn’t believe it. I was surprised. He turned and yelled, “Shut up!”

“What?” I asked, not with the attitude of “what did you just say to me?” but with honest bewilderment as in “I don’t think I heard you correctly.”

“Just shut up, dude.” he repeated.

I was like, “Dude, it’s a commercial for Wal-Mart.”

“I don’t care.” he said. “Just keep it to yourself, alright?”

I apologized and obliged. I wasn’t trying to agitate anyone. I was just exorcising my freedom of speech and voicing what I thought everyone in the room was thinking. How wrong I was.

Perhaps I give too much credit to my fellow human beings. Perhaps they really do keep falling for the same tired tricks over and over again. Maybe the stupid ugly indie-rock teenager model holding a bottle of Coca-Cola really touched their hearts and warmed their souls with the true spirit of Christmas.

I know it filled me with the Christmas spirit. Not the same kind though. The Christmas spirit I feel is one of disgust and shame. Every year around this time I start to feel it and it doesn’t leave until I’m blatheringly drunk on New Year’s Eve. The Christmas season is the most disgusting and brazenly insulting time of year for me. I see people behaving like greedy stupid animals pushing each other out of the way in a sick race to willfully exchange their money for absolute garbage. When I hear Christmas music coming out of a speaker in a store I don’t think of the miraculous virgin birth of Jesus Christ the King of the Jews. I think of all the money that is being wasted. I think of some C.E.O. somewhere sitting on a corporate jet drinking expensive champagne and laughing as he watches the numbers in his Swiss bank account soar to figures I’ll never know. I think of the endless green and red junk mail with pictures of white models pretending to be a disgusting suburban upper middle class happy family. I think of people driving SUVs cutting people off at intersections while they’re on their cellphones. I think of unhappy 20 year olds working their asses off for minimum wage at a temporary kiosk in the mall selling useless crap to old ladies while a mean greasy manager yells at them an tells them to smile more. Christmas is not a happy time for me. It does not fill me with warmth and love. It fills my heart with a heavy black weight and contorts my face into a twisted grimace. I look at the people that “get into it” and I am filled with disgust and loathing. I am disappointed to the very fiber of my being by the endless grab at the almighty dollar by huge international conglomerates, but moreso by the stupid sheep that endlessly swipe their credit cards amassing debt that they’ll never pay off so they can buy their ungrateful and spoiled teenage children the latest electronic toy that will further detach them from actual human contact. Christmas is not a celebration of goodwill and humanity, but a garish ritual of blind consumerism that is largely responsible for the poverty and misery of most of the rest of the world.

I suspect that guy sitting next to me in the movie theater was indicative of most of the people in this country. He would rather hear the actors on the screen sing phony baloney Christmas bullshit than hear a real person point out the cold ugly truth. He’s happy to swallow the numbing pill so he can’t feel the leeches eating his soul. He’s quite content to wrap himself in a lie and live in a shallow fantasy that never even comes close to living up to the hype.

Sir, I’m sorry I offended you, but I’ll never stop. Just as you paid good money for your seat in that theater, so did I. And while you may choose to fool yourself into believing that things aren’t as fucked up as they are, I do not. I will always speak my mind and point out exactly how fucked up this culture is as loud as I can every chance I get, and if that means I have to step on the toes of people unwittingly buying into the scam then so be it. You may not agree with what I have to say about things, but at least you’ll know that not everybody thinks all of this is okay. When the same monsters that brought you that stupid commercial foreclose on your house and leave you and your stupid family hungry in the street maybe then you’ll look back and see that I was right. For your sake I hope that doesn’t happen, but after gauging your reaction to what I was saying I don’t see any other way you’ll ever learn.

Merry Fucking Christmas


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