Friday, September 05, 2008
– Charlemagne, Quebec
In a stunning display of heroics Mario Mario, a 48 year old Italian plumber born to Japanese emigrants, crawled through thousands of miles of underground pipes to rescue pop diva Celine Dion Princess of Canada from the depths of her lavish palace in the mystic French-Canadian countryside. Her captor, a 12 foot tall spiky shelled fire breathing turtle known only as Bowser, was holding Princess Dion captive as part of an intricate plot to seize power and rule Canada with an army of smaller winged turtles and sideways walking mushrooms with faces.
“I was on the job in my hometown of Genoa when I got sucked into a giant green pipe. I got spit out in what seemed to be a magical land of floating bricks and gold coins. Before I even knew I was in Quebec a blue and white midget wearing a mushroom hat told me about Celine Dion and her troubles. I knew right then what I had to do.”
Mr. Mario fought past man-eating plants, killer squids, and giant beetles only to come face to face with Bowser in the dungeons of Princess Dion’s magical castle.
“At first Bowser seemed invincible, but after a while I noticed a pattern to his movements. I waited until he jumped 20 feet in the air. I then ran underneath him and cut the ropes to the bridge we were fighting on. Luckily for me there was an axe just waiting there.”
Surprisingly this is not the first time Mario has rescued Celine Dion from a gigantic animal captor. In 1981 Mario Mario, known then as Jumpman, scaled an under-construction Bronx skyscraper to save Princess Dion from a 30 foot ape that was hurling barrels at him.
“I changed my name from Jumpman to Mario Mario in 1983 for business reasons. Who would hire a plumber named Jumpman?”
When Jumpman Sr. was asked how he felt about his son changing his name his response was only, “Is no more Jumpman. Is Mario Mario!”
Meanwhile all of Canada is rejoicing at their beloved Princess’ release from captivity. Local lumberjack Jacques Sicard was relieved. “Thank goodness Bowser’s reign of terror is over. Now I can get back to sawing down trees and eating giant stacks of pancakes.”
The overall mood in Canada may be peaceful right now, but Mario is not so sure Princess Dion is out of the woods just yet. “She almost has an aptitude for being taken prisoner,” stated Mario. “As long as she secludes herself in her Ivory Tower she’ll be a target.”
When asked if he thinks he’s seen the last of Bowser Mario was unsure. “You never know. Even though he fell into a pit of boiling lava he could come back. Who knows, I may someday have to race him at go-karts.”