Today is the fist day of Autumn in the Northern Hemisphere, and here in Olympia it dropped like a well-thrown pass to an open Seahawks receiver. I shivered in my bed last night beneath two heavy blankets fearing for the impending cold that will soon be upon all of us. The only thoughts that kept me warm were of the money I won that day betting on the NFL.
What a week!
Certain games went as expected like the routine stomping of the Houston Texans by the Tennessee Titans and the unstoppable Dallas Cowboys solidly defeating the Packers at Lambeau, but who would have guessed that the lowly Miami Dolphins could topple the once-proud New England Patriots in Foxborough? I am forced to eat my words. Last week I proclaimed proudly that the Patriots “could field 7 men and still beat Miami by a touchdown”. How wrong I was. I’ve also stated in the past how the Patriots don’t need Tom Brady to win; how he is just another cog in the merciless unfeeling football machine that is the New England Patriots.
Well the Patriots did not look like a merciless and well-oiled machine yesterday. They looked more like a chicken with no head… A giant pompous arrogant chicken that is so full of hubris that it went undefeated in the 2007 season only to lose the most important game of the year to a bunch of scrappy punks called the New York Giants… a wild card team that lost its first three games of the season and should never have seen the light of the Super Bowl much less have snatched victory from arguably the best team to have ever been fielded in the sport.
I would have lost my shirt on that game if anyone on the planet would have bet with me, but no one would. And why would they? The New England Patriots went undefeated… a feat not accomplished since the early days of the Nixon administration when Jim Morrison was still alive and the players were mostly white. Not even Las Vegas was taking bets against the Giants that day. All New England had to do was show up and play football and they would surely crush those wretched scalawags that called themselves a football team. But that was just the problem. In their minds the Patriots had already won the Super Bowl and the Giants were nothing more than a speed bump to a Monster Truck.
The New York Giants did not beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl last February. It was their own hubris that defeated them, and it was that same hubris that clobbered them yesterday. The New England Patriots got beat like Einstein’s wife by one of the worst-looking rag-tag thrown-together no-name pathetic teams in the whole league, and they got beat by 25 points. That’s more than three touchdowns and a field goal my friends. That is a disastrous score for a team projected to seize their division and be a solid contender for yet another Super Bowl. If that wasn’t a wake-up call for the whole team to quit resting on their laurels and go out and play some football then the Patriots will not win another game for 15 years.
Don’t bet on it, though. Bill Belichick is no dummy, and even without his illegal playbook video notes* he is still a dangerous enemy. The Patriots will not be down for long, and I suspect this embarrassing defeat at the hands of the Dolphins has snapped them out of their cocky daze. Week 4 is a bye for New England, but the Patriots won’t get any rest this week. Nay, Bellichick will be cracking the whip on them like the Egyptians did to the Jews. Their linemen will be pulling freight trains with their teeth and their running backs will run barefoot on jagged rocks while carrying cinderblocks and getting pelted by softballs. They will be pushed to their limits and beyond by a furious and vehement coach bent on restoring their integrity at all costs, and in Week 5 the shitstorm will rain on the San Francisco 49ers. Mark my words.
I took a couple bets against my own picks this last week and they all paid off. I of course got points and they worked in my favor. I bet on Tampa Bay and got 4 points. I bet on Minnesota and got 3. I took S.F. and 4 points. I gave 3 to Pittsburgh, but it wasn’t enough. I won that bet too. Tonight I have the Chargers and -3 points which was a mercy bet I made with the same fellow I fleeced yesterday. I still think the Jets are going to win. I’ve never been impressed with the Chargers. I lived in San Diego for a short while and I know how that city works. It is a rich and lazy city resting on a pile of decadence. No one takes anything seriously there because they don’t have to. The weather is perfect, the beaches are pristine, everyone looks like a model, and money grows on the same orange trees that are in every yard. Their sports teams are a joke even to themselves. Southern California is not a place for football. Los Angeles knew this and let both of their teams go without looking back. No one misses the Rams or the Raiders. So-Cal is a place for basketball and baseball; two sports where the players are more like pop-stars than athletes. 90% of baseball is standing around or sitting down, and 90% of basketball is showing off. These are sports where flashbulbs constantly go off and the worst injury you can sustain is a blister. They are perfect for Southern California, the land of Hollywood and Make-Believe where everyone is beautiful and everyone is a star.
The Jets may not look great, but they have Brett Favre, and even if he is the equivalent of Joe Montana in 1993 when he flew the flag of Kansas City he still knows how to throw deep touchdown passes and put points on the scoreboard so quickly that it makes heads spin. More importantly, though, the Jets have a mark in the W column and the Chargers do not.
Week 4 picks
Atlanta @ Carolina
This one’s tougher than it looks, especially after each team’s respective performances last week. Both teams are 2-1. Carolina got solidly beat by the Vikings and Atlanta paved over the Chiefs like they were a California Highway. But that isn’t saying much. The Chiefs have my vote for worst team in the league this year… worse than the Bengals and the Browns combined… and the Vikings are always tough despite what their win/loss record shows. Carolina is the better team. Panthers by 3
Cleveland @ Cincinnatti
Bo Ho! What did I just say about combining these two teams? That’s right. If you’re going to watch this game my advice to you is to turn the sound completely off, and play “Yakkety Sax” on repeat. You’re bound to see footballs squirting out of arms and men in matching jerseys bumping into each other. This game will be like watching a live blooper reel. Bengals by 5
Houston @ Jacksonville
Jacksonville beat the Colts and Houston couldn’t win a staring contest against someone that just chopped onions. Jaguars by 9
Denver @ Kansas City
Denver barely needs to show up for this one. Broncos by 12
San Francisco @ New Orleans
San Francisco hasn’t looked this good in 15 years. The New Orleans Saints are as incompetent as the levy that keeps the Gulf waters from inevitably swallowing their city whole. 49ers by5
Arizona @ New York Jets
Who knows? I can never tell with Arizona. They are perpetual losers, but I keep having this feeling that they’re going to surprise me and pull one out. The Jets are as miscellaneous as the ingredients of the food at a Chinese Buffet. Fuck it. Go Favre. Jets by 3
Green Bay @ Tampa Bay
The Packers got beat by the Cowboys and that means one of two things. Either their spirits are crushed and they’ll lose their next 2 games, or their resolve to stay on top of their division is even greater. The Bucs are coming off a mighty win against the Bears and I can sense that they think they are a better team than they are. Still, that might work in their favor. Especially against the brow-beaten Green Bay Packers. It’s a close one. Packers by 1
Minnesota @ Tennessee
Another tough choice. Tennessee is undefeated and the Vikings are 1-2. To the untrained eye that looks like an easy choice, but the Vikings are not an easy team to beat in almost any circumstance. I also have personal problems putting my faith into any NFL team with powder-blue in their uniforms. Still, it’s hard to argue with the scoreboard and the Titans have been winning by large margins. Not only that, but they’re playing at home. Titans by 2
San Diego @ Oakland
I hate both of these teams. Oakland is a cesspool and Raiders fans are the lowest form of human trash. You’ll never see a team’s logo resting atop more mullets in heads filled with less teeth than you’ll see underneath Raiders hats. Their merchandise is all bought with crack money. San Diego should crush them like the roaches they are, but you can guess at a Raiders score about as accurately as you can guess the total of a Yahtzee roll. It could be anywhere between 5 and 30 points against any given team in any given week in any given season. They are the true wild cards of the NFL. The jokers, if you will. Chargers by 8
Buffalo @ St. Louis
The only worse team in the league than the Rams are the Chiefs. Buffalo has won three straight. Bills by 10
Washington @ Dallas
Poor Washington. They are a good team, but they’re the least good team in the toughest division in football. They deserve to be in a division like the NFC West where they would surely reign supreme. Sadly for them they are in the NFC East and they don’t have a prayer. Cowboys by 5
Philadelphia @ Chicago
Philly looks great. They whipped the Steelers yesterday and they nearly beat the Cowboys in week 2. Chicago lost a game they should have won. Eagles by 3
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
Baltimore hasn’t lost yet, but they haven’t played any good teams either. Pittsburgh is playing at home where they are notoriously tough to beat. Both teams are a bunch of corrupt thugs on the take. Steelers by 3
As usual I’m willing to back up what I write here with cold hard cash. Drop me a line.
*Why didn’t Belichik get publicly hung for this scandal? Poor Pete Rose got banned for life for betting on his own team to win… a much lesser crime. Where is the justice in this world?